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taktau la apsal tangan aku gatal nak check phone R mlm tadi. i know i wasnt supposed to but something kept telling me to do so. haih..

skang aku yg nyesal. nyesal sbb R ckp aku tak sepatutnya tahu benda tu and takut benda tu akan keep haunting us for the rest of our lives. aku tak tau mcm mana nak ckp but i think ive said whatever i should to him in the car just now. dont ever put me in par with his ex wife, im not like her, like totally. im very much aware of the consequences of being with a super nice guy filled with pheromone which sometimes scares me to death. but, thats the thing that i must cope and live with and so far, this is the first encounter, with someone's wife. i think i know who she is but i dont dare to reveal her name.. let that be untold.

to be frank, i was shocked because i had never thought i wud read such messages in his hp. never crossed my mind, ever. but i kept myself at ease, pulled all strength i had and i managed to keep myself cool. i know i had been rational enough just now. i was not mad at him, not even a tiny bit. i know hes charming and thats what make others drool. in a way, im happy that hes with me n not with others. im blessed :)

i will not let this matter haunt us in any way anymore. we've had enough in our past lives and i will not anything ruin our relationship. sayang, if ure reading this, i just want u to know that i love u so much that it makes me cry sometimes. i cant even bear the thought of losing you. i will not let you go no matter what. im not mad at you sayang.. i trust you. and now i love you even more coz i know you love me and you will not let me go. i really hope one day we cud be together, no matter what happens. :|

i hope things will get to normal as soon as possible.. i know ure mad at me coz yeah, i dont have the rights to check all your stuff but i cudnt help it. im sorry sayang.. :~(

mungkin ni satu pengajaran la kat aku.. jgn pandai2 usik brg org.. even abah pun tak suka mak usik hp dia. tak tau la ada hidden agenda ke apa. but rship is based on trust. without trust, rship means nothing. aku nak janji kat diri sendiri.. from now on, i will not ask him whoever calls/text or even touch his things without his permission. lagipun.. im no one :) not even his wife. who am i to say no to anything that he does? i have no rights to know, enquire, ask, or anything. im just a plain, stubborn girl with anxious heart. sometimes i do things beyond my border. and now i know that ive gone overboard. i dunno whether R will ever trust me again.. :(

ntah lah.. aku pun bnyk kekurangan.. tak semua org perfect.. aku pun tak pernah mintak someone perfect to be my significant other sbb aku tau mmg takkan wujud manusia perfect selain nabi. skang ni segala kekurangan dan kelebihan R, aku terima. aku terima sbb aku syg dia.. tp.. aku tak tau dia boleh terima ke tak kekurangan aku.. aku bnyk sgt yg kurang.. kurang tinggi.. kurang pandai.. kurang gaji.. kurang asam pun ada gak kekadang.. kurang prihatin.. kurang bg perhatian.. tak pandai pujuk.. aku mungkin jugak ego tapi aku tak perasan.. aku cepat marah.. tp aku tak penah dendam.. aku tak penah simpan.. hmm tak cantik.. tak lawa.. kurang dari banyak segi.. apa yg dia nampak kt aku pn aku tak tau.. i hope hes sincere..

kekadang aku fedap nak ada rship.. tp bkn sbb laki.. sbb aku sendiri. aku tak pandai jaga rship.. for things like this.. i really knw that im the one who shud be blamed. kekadang aku takut kalau rship aku tak ke mana.. sbb aku tak yakin dgn diri sendiri.. walaupun aku ckp aku nak strive jd yg terbaik utk sesapa.. aku selalu fail. mungkin tuhan nak balas dosa aku kat DIA selama ni. aku bnyk lupa DIA...